A mom of an NB boy I met who died was going to grief counseling. She sold her house and move to a new town after he died because she felt so let down by her friends. She learned a piece of advice that she shared with me that she found useful for 'our' situation.
Don't expect all of your friends and family to be great at this. Some people will blow you away while others will disappoint. Instead of getting angry... take a look at each of your friends and identify what each one is best at. Then use that person for that purpose and know they only have one talent.
For example: You may have one friend that is always good for a laugh a bottle of wine but has no sympathy, no empathy, no kids, and no idea. When you need to blow off some steam... call her up. Perhaps each of your friends has one talent that if you identify you can patch together one uber-friend that addresses all of your needs. Don't hold it against them...it is not something that everyone is good at and if you expect it you'll be disappointed.
I thought it was interesting advice... I've tried it... but I still get angry sometimes.
7 comments:
Angry is okay! (Heck, I wanted to knock down the fence and throw some things around on Thursday.) Have you thought about just confronting these friends? When I was going thru a tough time, Daniel would always try to come up with solutions for me...which, although well intentioned, drove me crazy because there were no viable solutions. Enter Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus chapter 1. I told Daniel I didn't want to hear solutions and his only job was to nod his head every once in awhile and say hmmm. He was relieved that was all he had to do. Perhaps your friends need to be told their role. I know it seems like it should be totally obvious and that you so shouldn't have to tell them...but in the end maybe you'd get what you need from them...???....
xolisa
PS Of course I'm now doing exactly what I didn't want Daniel to do....suggesting solutions! Feel free to slap me on Monday!
Not everyone can handle emotions in a way that is helpful to you. Know that. Forget that. Learn to overlook that. And seek out the people who are strong..someone you can lean on emotionally. You are intitled to your feelings...never be sorry for your feelings...no one knows but you what you feel and what you are experiencing..because everyone in this type of journey has a different experience. Rent a funny movie and laugh...it's the best medicine! Try it! And don't slap Lisa on MOnday! xo Linny
whatever their reasons for not keeping up with you....I am positive that Max is never far from their minds or hearts.
My best friend from college died at age 24 from asthma attack, in her mother's arm. I visited the mother from time to time for the following couple of years but all she could do was look at the work her daughter had done and talk about her in tears(she was a talented copy writer.) On the way back from one of such visit, another friend from her high school said to me, "I can't believe she still can't get over it." I just looked at her back in disbelief. Some people just don't have enough imagination. An ability to put oneself in the shoes of others in unbearable grief. I don't think I was able to provide any console to the mother and I don't think I will have any useful thing to say to you to ease your suffering. But please do know that I will be here and there at the park whenever you need me to vent out your anger. (Along with Lisa, you can slap me too, if you want:-))
There is not a day or moment goes by that I.... and many others who cannot express their feelings are hurting for you and wanting Max well...Your strength is awesome and such an example to everyone that comes in contact with you. Don't be afraid to ask...maybe that is what some people are waiting for...xo Linny
Keeping Max in my thoughts and prayers...he is a very special little boy; I found him by way of another NB child; these kids are nothing short of amazing. I am inspired/in awe of their grace and courage.
I think that some people don't respond in the way you hope or expect because LIVING/struggling with a deadly disease may be outside their own experience. Honestly you have no idea unless you're living it 24/7 as your family is doing. And you probably don't have the energy to explain, so you can't help but feel frustrated.
Shirley
NJ
I can across your blog while researching medulloblastoma,my son has been battling 3 years now and we have an MRI on wednesday ,he just completed stem cell transplant 1 year ago due to relapse.And you have every right to be mad!!! Nobody knows what it is to wonder how long you have with your child you watch them suffer and wonder what the hell has happened to your life your families life.And it is great in the beginning they are there but over time everyone else's life goes on and yours(ours)stays put and you do what you need to get through the day.I personally have lost friends or people that I thought were friends and I(my family)have made some wonderful new one's that are for keeps and it may not be many but they are there no matter what time of day!!! And I find it hard to see my son's friends fade away I guess that part of his life is over and now we help him build a new one.Charles was diagnosed at 10 years old and is now 13.i understand what you are feeling and you feel alone. i have never met anyone else going through brain cancer and I find that hard,because as you know when it is the brain there are no promises.You keep the faith and I hope to hear from you again.And you give Max your best smile and your hardest hug everyday and that will make things seem ok.
Post a Comment